The Hug

This is part of my story, my family history. It was published in “Chicken Soup for the Soul — All in the Family” in October 2009.

The first letter arrived a few weeks before Christmas. My heart stopped when I saw the return address. I was pleased but apprehensive. I dropped the rest of the mail on the counter and sat down at the kitchen table.

I had written to ask him for family medical history. The reply was long. It had the information I had requested and then some. It explained a little of my past, but kept me at arm’s length. I re-read it a few times, then wept and set it aside.

Life goes on; many things sit and collect dust in the back of one’s mind. A year later, an unexpected Christmas card with a family photo arrived from his wife. She said he was busy working out of town but he would write soon.

I studied the picture. Immediately, I knew where my looks came from. I really didn’t bear much resemblance to my mother’s side of the family, but here was a man staring back at me who looked familiar in so many ways.

He had a grown son and daughter — a family of his own who looked so happy together. They wanted to get to know me. Asked if I could send a picture of my family. I wasn’t sure. Did I have the courage to go forward?

A mere week later, my aunt reminded me, “When one door closes, another opens.” I hadn’t thought of it in that way. My mom had just died. My aunt encouraged me to write back.

The reply came in February. As I read his letter, my eyes misted over. He would be in Manitoba in March. Could he and his wife stop by to see us? After almost thirty years of absence, he wanted to meet me.

Excitement, happiness, fear, and sadness washed over me all at once. My toddler wanted to know why I was crying. Not wanting to worry him, I replied, “It’s okay. They’re happy tears.” To be truthful, I had no idea what those tears represented.

I was only two years old when they divorced. Hard as I had tried over the years, I had no memory of him. Divorce laws weren’t necessarily fair in the 1960’s. My mother did not allow any contact — no cards or letters, no phone calls, no pictures, no visits. Gifts he mailed were returned. He did not want to make a bad situation worse, so reluctantly agreed to stay away. An unselfish act in his eyes. Living two provinces away did not help.

When my mother remarried in 1966, she changed her surname, but I still retained my father’s last name. So growing up, I always knew of his existence. When you are young, you accept your life as it is. It was not until I had children of my own that I really began to question my parents’ decisions. How could have they thought this best? It was likely complicated, but no one ever offered an in-depth explanation.

Now, here I was a parent myself, feeling very much like a child all over again. I had a month to pull myself together, a month of waiting and wondering. It wasn’t as though I wouldn’t be busy. I had a two-year-old son and a newborn daughter. The end of March would be here before I knew it.

Then panic set in. Would I be ready? How would I look? How would I feel? He was coming to Manitoba in March…what if it stormed? Our farmyard always looks so bleak and unkempt that time of year. Would he get lost trying to find our place in the country? Would I have the house clean enough? Would he think I was a good parent? What if he didn’t like me? Would they stay for lunch? What would I cook for two people I didn’t know? Was this really a good idea? I was reeling. I needed to breathe…three deep breaths in and out. It wasn’t working so I tried again, slower this time. Don’t worry, I told myself. It will be fine. I needed to calm down, but couldn’t shake the anxiety and fear.

The days and weeks slipped by, and March 23rd arrived. The weather cooperated. The roads were fine. Our son and baby daughter had slept well and looked sweet and innocent. I, on the other hand, looked tired and nervous.

We watched and waited. A car pulled into the yard. They got out, opened the doors to the back seat and pulled out gift bags. They had brought presents. I had nothing for them. Lunch alone would have to do.

They saw us in the window, smiled and walked to the door. I welcomed them into our home. He put down the bags he was carrying and came up the three stairs toward me. Then the unexpected.

He reached out and hugged me. It was a big bear hug filled with emotion. It spoke volumes. I have never been hugged like that before or since. The hug said, “I’m sorry.” It conveyed, “I’ve missed you. I’m happy to see you.” It expressed, “I love you.” It made up for every missed birthday and Christmas. It explained, “I wish I had been there for all your firsts, for every accomplishment, and for every time you needed a shoulder to cry on.”

I didn’t want to let go, and it seemed he didn’t either. The hug replaced my worries with comfort. Words were not needed after all, but introductions were, and so the hug ended. It was time to relax and visit. We had a lot of catching up to do.

We visited again that summer in Alberta, then continued to call occassionaly and exchange letters. Over his time communication dwindled. His last letter to me was in November 1998. We tried to connect for a visit in 1999, but it didn’t work out. I never saw him again. He died on June 22, 2001.

“I can smell the moss”

January 24, 2024 was a serendipitous, ‘big magic‘ kind of day. I was writing the first draft of a story about a young women wandering into a mossy forest.

“She took a few deep breaths and felt her body relax. She was almost there. Her special place. Her retreat from the world. Where sunlight filtered magically through the towering trees, dancing on the moss and the rocks in the clearing. Where bluebells blossomed. Where she felt at home.

At the same time Kathy Bradshaw was finishing her captivating piece of art, entitled, “I can smell the moss”. Neither of us knew what the other was doing. Two days later, this ‘creative collision’ opened the door to collaborate and enter the Canadian Encaustic International Online ‘Waxing Poetic’ Exhibition.

From Kathy’s artist statement: “There is nothing like breathing in forest air – its intoxicating mix of moss, earth, decay, cedar and pine. A forest’s lush array of colours and textures weave a visual feast. There is mystery, there is darkness, and oh there is light. It is the sensual, mysterious and dreamy nature of encaustic that allows me to tell this story best. I also consider Sandi Knight’s touching poetry/prose piece to be the perfect extension of my painting.”

Thank you Kathy for your kind words, support and the opportunity to showcase my poem alongside your enchanting, mossy, sunlit forest.

“I can smell the moss” — Kathy Bradshaw

I can smell the moss

She brought the painting to Gran’s room,
hung it where it could be viewed from the comfort of the bed,
remembering the first time they wandered down, what would become, their favourite woodland path…

Large, lush ferns lined the narrow trail,
sentinels to a sacred spot.

The clearing opened before them,
so welcoming, so magical…

Sunlight danced playfully
on the moss-covered forest floor.

Spring was ebbing into summer,
the greens rich, vibrant, varied.

Bluebells softly swayed
in grass beneath the towering trees.

They paused, taking it all in,
entranced by this mystical oasis.

Gran awoke, surprised to see Sarah at her bedside.
Her face lit up, her gaze moving slowly from granddaughter to canvas,
“Oh Sarah dear, it’s as if I’m there! I can see the bluebells. I can feel the breeze. I can smell the moss.”

Sandi Knight © March 2024

I can smell the moss

Serendipity — “the fact of something interesting or pleasant happening by chance”. This beautiful painting by Kathy Bradshaw and my fictional story fit that narrative in a surreal way. As Kathy was finishing her captivating forest piece, I was writing this. Neither of us had any idea what the other was doing. In fact, while we know each other from social media, we’ve yet to even meet in person. The experience truly feels like a ‘Big Magic‘ moment. I hope you enjoy the collision of our creativity.

Sarah quietly slipped away — away from the crowded house, away from the stories, away from the condolences.  She needed to reflect on her memories in peace, needed to feel near her Gran.

She walked down the garden pathway, through the horse pasture, along the fence line until she reached ‘their’ tree. Two intertwined hearts were still on its trunk. She paused a moment, her fingers tracing the worn etchings, lovingly inscribed by Gran all those years ago, “So you’ll always remember the way, even when I’m not here.”

Oh Gran…I’ll always remember the way, and the very first time you brought me here.

I was so upset that day. My parents once again exasperated with me, “Why are you crying this time?”

Gran looked at me and softly said, “Come along.” She saw me, understood me, didn’t try to change me, “I love you just as you are!”  She took my hand, guiding me quietly and gently down what would become a familiar, comforting trail.

I cautiously followed her on the narrowing path, large, lush, green ferns brushing against us. Then the clearing opened before us, so welcoming, so magical. Sunlight filtered through trees, dancing on the moss-covered floor. Tiny blue flowers, “Bluebells,” Gran said, swayed gently in the grass beneath the trees. It felt like we’d entered a secret, enchanted forest.

And so, it had become their place, their private forest oasis — where it was safe to cry, be upset or excited, to feel all her emotions without judgement. Gran listened, nurtured and loved. She taught Sarah about birds, insects, animals, about trees, moss, ferns and wildflowers.  She encouraged imagination and creativity.

They would lean against the trees or stretch out on the soft bed of moss. Sometimes they read or Gran would tell stories while whittling tiny perfect carvings. Sarah would colour or draw. As time went on, she began painting, exploring with watercolour and pastels.

One year Gran bought her a camera, and Sarah’s love of photography began. Behind the lens she became skilled in the art of noticing, of being present and immersed in what was in before her, and with while doing so, her anxiety would dissipate.

Even though it meant moving away, she had been encouraged by Gran to go to university. Little did Sarah know at the time, that it would be for more than four years — that her work would take her around the world, photographing people, animals, buildings, monuments, and landscapes she never could have imagined as a girl. Gran cheered her from afar, and when her health allowed, she would travel to Sarah’s openings and exhibits, proudly beaming and telling anyone who would listen, “That talented young woman is my granddaughter. She sees and captures what we may miss.”

Sarah bought Gran a digital photo frame to keep up with her latest travels and projects. Weekly phone calls or video chats kept them connected, and she came home as often as she could. Then, no matter the season, Sarah and Gran would make time to visit in their special place in the forest — to catch up, reconnect or simply just sit, listen and observe. This was, and would forever be, her favourite landscape.

Various photographs from here and her expansive collection had found their way into children’s hospitals, daycares, schools, shelters and even youth detention centres. Her intent was to do what she could through her art to decrease anxiety for children while invoking a feeling of calm and safety, especially those in difficult situations.

With time and success, she’d been able to accomplish this, at no cost to the organizations, through her own non-profit organization — the “H3 Art Network”, in honour of Gran. When Sarah suggested it be, “Helen’s Healing HeArt Network”, Gran quickly declared that name was far too long. After much debate, Gran finally agreed to the H3 abbreviation.

Over the years, many prints, canvases, and even custom door wraps had made their way into countless spaces. At Gran’s suggestion, H3 also expanded to work with senior centres, assisted living associations, personal care homes, hospitals, health care facilities and hospices.

Sarah never imagined her vibrant Gran being in any of those places, especially a hospice. Yet it happened. Gran requested her favourite photo be hung in the common room — “as large as life please!” It was impossible not to smile at her determination and enthusiasm.

It was one Sarah had captured with her first camera. When spring was ebbing into summer. When the greens were vibrant and varied. When sunlight danced playfully on the carpet of moss. When the bluebells swayed in the grass. At that moment, when Gran and Sarah had entered the clearing, they’d both stopped, captivated by the beauty of it all — almost afraid to take another step or speak and break the spell of the tranquility and perfection before them.

Sarah loved that photo too, but the file was too small to print the size Gran hoped for, so she enlisted the help of a dear friend and talented painter. The canvas was ‘as large as life’ and the re-creation of the photo was beyond what Sarah could have wished. The texture, the colours, the details perfectly portrayed the photo and captured the emotion of their special forest retreat.  

When it came time to hang it, she wheeled Gran out of her room and watched her reaction as it was unveiled. Her face lit up in amazement, “Oh Sarah dear, it’s like we’re there again! I can see the bluebells. I can feel the breeze. I can smell the moss.”

A week later, her beloved Gran, her coach, her cheerleader and life instructor was gone. Sarah wasn’t sure how she could carry on, but she knew going back to their spot was what she needed to do now, and it would always be so, whenever she needed to feel her Gran’s presence.  

Tangled Roots

Tangled Roots

When we pause
to examine our roots,
are vulnerable and raw,
when we sit with our wounds, our pain…
it creates freedom
to release what doesn’t serve us,
it makes room
for new experiences,
and stories
to flow into our lives.

Sandi Knight © 2024

Shadows dance

Morning musings…

Shadows dance

Shadows dance
on my bedroom wall.

Branches swaying
in the morning breeze,

create a moving,
monochrome canvas.

I stretch, feel grateful
for the comfort of my bed.

For trusty canine,
curled up beside me.

For the welcome aroma
of freshly brewed coffee.

For awakening at home
to safety, security, and peace.

For simply watching
shadows dance on my bedroom wall.

 

Sandi Knight © 2024

 

The air changed…

When a death brings back past trauma and memories, it takes a lot of work to heal. This poem was part of that process. #WorldPoetryDay seems an appropriate time to release it into the wild.

The air changed —

when you opened the door
when you walked into a room
when you sat down at the table

when we lowered your urn

the air changed. 

Sandi Knight © 2024

Prairie Notes

4″ x 5.5″ Blank Note Cards — $4.00 Currently selections from this series are available at Inspire Studio in Minnedosa, The Little Red Barn and Prairie Fusion Gift Shop in Portage la Prairie, or by contacting me.

What people are saying:

You might think this is just a blank card, but to me, it’s a piece of art that you are sharing. Sandi has the ability to capture emotion with her unique perspective and frame of reference which inspires joy and happiness when you look at her cards.”

“I love giving a beautiful card with an my own inspiring message on the inside. These are perfect for sending out to those you love for all special occassions.”

“Lovely, unique, high quality cards showcasing the beauty of the local landscape. A wonderful way to brighten some’s day, or to frame and keep.”

*Printed in Canada on FSC certified archival paper, manufactured responsibly with a reduced effect on the environment.

Whether on quiet country walks, in our farmyard or on a favourite trail, my camera is always close at hand. Documenting and sharing moments in time from our family farm in rural Manitoba is an integral part of my daily life. More images can be found on Instagram @sandiknight.


Florals

From our farmyard, the open prairies, rural roadsides and a friend’s garden, these captures represent the beauty and joy flowers of all kinds bring to my life.


Sunsets

I will never tire of praire sunsets. They breathe life into the sky and bring a calmness to my heart. I love the every changing skies, wide-open spaces and peacefulness of watching the stunning transformations at the end of day.


Birds and Butterflies

From endangered species like the Red-headed woodpecker to the common American Robin, our farmyard is visited by over 80 species of birds yearly. With milkweed abundant on our rural roadsides, monarch butterflies also find our area a welcoming habit which is enhanced by flowering native trees and a diversity of flowers in my garden. These are some of my favourite captures to date.


Crops

Canola will always be the star of the show on the Canadian prairies, but wheat, alfalfa and sunflowers also make appearances on this card series.


Autumn

The best season! Cool mornings, warm days, trees dressing into their vibrant hues, leaves letting go and dancing downward. From our farmyard, my favourite trails and parks these are a few on my most-loved captures.


The Lake

Our farm is near Lake Manitoba so a trip to it’s shores is always a welcome reprieve in the summer.


Winter

Oh the beauty of winter! Snow, hoarfrost and rimefrost magically transform the landscape. Harsh winds sculpt beautiful snowdrifts, and the light and skies are enchanting!


Into the forest

A potential prequel.

Three different paths. Three different journeys. Three different stories.

Yet here they were, at the same opening, at the same time.

Drawn here by some unknown force. Fate? Serendipity? A higher power?

It didn’t matter. They walked into the forest side-by-side. Quiet. Solemn. Disheartened. Each carrying their own burdens of sorrow, trauma and pain. The shadows of the trees seemed dark, daunting, almost frightening.

They could hear a stream in the distance, and instinctively knew, in that opening sunlight would be dancing on the water as it rippled downstream. They paused a moment but weren’t drawn there.

The trees were calling today. They chose to go deeper into the forest, single file as the path narrowed, the tips of branches brushing against their shoulders.

It led them to a clearing where worn tree stumps encircled a fire pit made of stones. It was time to stop. To light a fire. To be together in this sacred spot.

They sat, shared their stories, their truths, their hurts. Relinquished all pain into the smoke, watched it circle up, up into the tree tops and beyond…

For a long while they were still, quiet, reflective. Then the one with long, dark hair started to laugh — a contagious, joyful laugh. The others joined in. Feeling lighter. More complete. Free.

The dark-haired one suddenly leaned to the left, swung her feet to the side, one hand on her chair stump. She let the momentum carry her, twirled and began to dance.

How could the others not dance with her? Let joy flow through them? Celebrate — their new-found feelings, unlikely connection, each other and this healing circle?

Their secrets were safe here. Sunlight filtered through the trees. Laughter echoed through the woods.

Letting go…

An acrostic story. (26 sentences. The first letter of each new line beginning in sequence with the letters of the alphabet)

Airborne at last, Zaida heard her girlfriends cheering as she finally gathered the courage to leap.  

Being there for her today, and over the past year, meant so much to Zaida. Cancer had been the unrelenting enemy and while the fight was difficult, there were bright moments along the way.

During her treatments and surgery her astounding friends — Taylor, Val and Jane — supported her with food, visits, phone calls, messages, housecleaning, yard work, chauffeuring duties and most importantly ~ laughter!

Even when she pushed them away in her darkest hours, they remained close by, giving her space but refusing to leave her alone in her battle. Friendships like that are a treasure. Giving up hadn’t been an option, and their support had been as important as her medical team’s efforts to reclaim her health and get her to Rocky Point today.

High above the treetops on this spectacular June evening, she released her fears, both of heights and cancer. It was exhilarating! Jumping off the platform hadn’t been easy, but wow, what a ride it was!

Keeping her eyes to the sky, she saw a bald eagle soaring high above — a symbol of strength and courage. Letting go of her tight grip on the rope, Zaida closed her eyes, put her faith in the harness, leaned back and flew upside down along the cable.

Memories of the past year dissipated as she embraced the moment, feeling the cool evening air rushing past her. Never before had she experienced this feeling of total abandon. Officially cancer-free and flying high above the gorgeous ravines of the Pembina Valley, she felt euphoric.

Preparing to land, Zaida pulled herself upright, smiled broadly, letting out a ‘whoo-hoo’ as she coasted to the next platform. Quashing the trepidation and anxiety she had felt at the beginning was liberating.

Rocky Point Hy-Wire Adventures promised a “breath-taking outdoor thrill ride” and they did not disappoint. Sailing across the 1000-foot cable, 150 feet above the ground was indeed a thrill, and actually fun, yes fun!

Taylor had been right when she said if Zaida could beat cancer, she could conquer anything! Using this adventure to overcome her fears wasn’t as crazy as she thought.

Val’s wild shrieks now echoed across the valley as she was next to come across the zip-line. Watching her friend fly towards her, arms and legs outstretched at wide angles, Zaida laughed.

“X marks the spot, so outta my way!” Val hollered.

“You not only did it, you let go and hung upside down you show-off!” Val teased as she embraced Zaida.  

Zaida’s name meant, ‘fortunate one’ and she felt incredibly fortunate, and grateful — for her health, her family, her supportive friends, and this amazing, empowering experience.

The Lure of the Mountains

A Postcard Story

Annapurna Base Camp — 2018

She stood in awe of the mountains towering around her, inhaling deeply the pure, crisp, cold air, wondering why it had taken her so long to get here.

She could hear the echos of those who had come before her, feel the spirits of those who never made it home, lost to the power of nature in this incredible landscape.

A place where beauty and harshness collide, where light and darkness create shadows of hope and fear, faith and uncertainty, power and helplessness. A place where time stood still, yet urged you to move forward — to follow your dreams, listen to the yearnings of your heart, use your gifts and your strengths to their full potential.

This moment was fleeting yet she knew it would stay with her forever. She now understood the lure of the mountains. Coming back would not be merely a dream, it would be her reality, her future. Of that she was certain.